Confessions of a mother

Confessions of a mother

We all could do with another 16 hours sleep because 4 just simply isn’t enough,

We all wish we could have just ONE day of not being responsible for tiny humans..

We all wish we didn’t have shit up our nails,

We all wish peppa pillock didn’t exist,

We all want to knock the shit out of that twat on the bus who mucky looked you with your pram.. but that would be completely irresponsible, or would it?

We all wish the changing bag would mysteriously sort it’s self out,

We all hate to admit that we dreaded breastfeeding at first, that toe curling pain makes you clench your arse cheeks harder than that time you had to stop your fart coming out in the library ,

We all wish our feet become invincible when it comes to the dreaded fucking Lego,

We wish we knew what day of the week it was, or month infact..

We all wish we could knock ten bells out of Dad when he claims he’s “tired”.. yet 10 minutes later we’re ever so grateful that he still loves us even though we look like a pitbull chewing on a wasp and smell like puke,

We all wish we didn’t feel overwhelmed from time to time.. however we are only human,

We all could accidentally elbow the chuffing brat in the face at soft play who chose not to share with your child,

We all wish we could cook 3 healthy meals a day for but let’s be real here hunny,

We all wish we could be arsed to scrub the shit staines out of that onesie but the bin resort just seems so much more convenient,

We all wish we could leave the house without taking everything but the kitchen sink,

We all let the odd swear word slip and then hope and pray our child’s first sentence isn’t “what’s that fucking smell?”

We all wish we could spring in and out of the car…instead we have to fight with 10 buckles and straps, pull a muscle in our back, and we forget what on earth we even came to the supermarket for in the first place ,

We all wish we could have a piss alone without having a toddler attached to your legs or playing peekaboo with an unhappy baby who’s giving you the daggers,

We all wish the socks stayed as a pair instead of wandering off and leaving the country,

We all wish we could “sink a few” at 10am,

We all wish we didn’t feel CONSTANT guilt, even if you’re out without the sprogs and you see an ice cream van! You automatically think you’re doing something insanely disloyal to your children by even looking at it.. and don’t you even dare think about buying anything!

We all wish we could have a solid nights sleep but instead we’ve one eye open and are listening out,

We all wish toys didn’t take up the whole of our bastard living room,

We all wish those effing dummies would just stay in one place,

We all wish the baby wouldn’t cry and go stiffer than an out of date loaf when it comes to nap time,

We all wish bum holes weren’t capable of releasing turds in the bath,

We all wish we had time to paint our face every day.. instead we look like pandas with bigger bags than boobs,

We all wish we could take a break,

We all wish we could be arsed going to an exotic farm every day of the week to see all of the itsy-bitsy-cutie pie animals but a pj day with unhealthy snacks and sweets is way better,

We all wish the children had an “off” switch (just sometimes)

We all wish they’d stay small a little longer..

Because even though we’ve wished for all of the above.. truth is, our hearts ache at the thought of not having to get up at silly o’clock to soothe them back to sleep. Eventually they won’t need us as much as they do tonight.

The nights are ever so long but the years are painfully short.

Lots of love,

Joanne

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4 Comments

  1. April 16, 2018 / 10:33 am

    Yes I could tick off quite a few on that list. Like you say, it’s not all a bowl of roses but so worth it in the end, mine are all growing up and teenagers really are a different breed all together, they even tell me they don’t need me at times. #LGRTSumble

  2. June 22, 2018 / 10:18 pm

    I really like your writing style!
    Motherhood requires a lot of sacrifices but it’s a real happiness if a child is desired. I respect women who made a decision to become a mother. Great post!

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