“Friends” or friends?

Friends or friends?

To save any unneeded “You tit, you’ve got this so wrong” comments I’ll just start by stating that this post IS NOT gonna relate to every single human being out there because that’d make me some sort of human robot, it’s simply just written from my experience and my experience alone.

I am totally aware that there are some extremely lucky women out there (believe me I’m completely and utterly envious) that have the most amazingly brilliant friends in the whole world that WILL stick around no matter what life has to throw at your friendship.

Whatever you do DO NOT let go of em’!

Becoming a parent is absolutely no doubt one of the biggest, scariest and damn right challenging journeys you’re likely to EVER face in your entire lifetime. Of course it’s normal to presume you’ll have tonnes of support from your ever so trustworthy “friends” (why wouldn’t you?) but sadly, that’s not always the case.

The early days, pregnancy…

“Omg I can’t wait to come and see you both every single blooming day of the year”

“Eek how exciting! can’t wait to meet him/her”

“I’m deffo gonna be promoted to auntie right?”

These are just a few prime examples of the utter bull crap that comes out of their mouths.

Now, in no way shape or form am I saying that ALL friends will completely abandon ship. A few godsends will stick with you throughout the whole experience, and you’ll never be more grateful for them!

Those 9 months of your life are the worst. Not in the way that you think either! Pregnancy is the most surreal and beautiful experience in the world BUT it’s also the time where fake “friends” will be swarming around you like flies round shit.

By heck they can be chuffing convincing too can’t they?

With it being early days you still haven’t come to terms with the fact that you’re ACTUALLY going to become a parent in 9 months time, you’re going to have a teeny tiny human needing your full attention and relying solely on you and the daddy.

Not only is it fresh news to you but to everybody else too which is often why “friends” are still lurking around for the first couple of months or so.

pregnancy.. 6+ months

Ok so now you’re well on your way.

It’s finalllllly sunk in that pretty soon your darling teeny baby will need to be given that eviction notice! You’ll be completely overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions at this point too.

More than likely you’ve already seperated the loyal friends you KNOW you definitely trust with all your heart to the fake as hell ones who only want to see you as a last resort.

It’s sad but true.

The bad..

Crappy. The only word I can use to describe the selfish “friends” that choose not to speak to you. Well, a few other words do spring straight to mind, the one starting with C and ending in T especially BUT I’m trying to keep this post as great grandma friendly as possible.

The realisation that you’re not gonna be able to drink smoke and do everything else the doctors advise you not to eventually does becomes apparent to those “friends” which is one of the biggest reasons they’ll leave.

Obviously you’re completely and utterly useless if you can’t get legless every chuffing weekend. *rolls eyes* Silly you.

You’ll notice that I keep putting the word “friends” in quotation marks. It’s my way of showing you that those “friends” aren’t actually friends and just “friends” you thought we’re friends.

Woah what have I just wrote?

Did that make any sense to you? Ok you can just completely avoid that paragraph. It was basically just the word friends written what felt like a million times. Why couldn’t I use summet a little more adventurous like bud, pal, mate or mushy pea?

Errrr mushy pea? What is wrong with me?

Ey that rhymed!

Stop it now, I’m going off topic.

The totally fabulous..

You will never ever ever be able to explain how truly blessed you feel to have those beautiful friends of yours that are with you through thick and thin. Like seriously.

Yes, of course you can’t go out for 56 voddy and Coke’s at the weekend or go to that summer festival everyones been banging on about but that doesn’t mean anything at all to them!

Your real friends will genuinely want to spend time with you, they’ll be excited for you, they’ll help you with anything at all, they’ll invite you places! Even if it’s just for a coffee or a little shopping trip it’ll mean the absolute world to you.

Not only will they continue to support and love you they’ll also be VERY understanding. There will be no explanation needed when you cancel that meal, you won’t need to apologise when you’re not feeling up to leaving the house, they won’t get arsy with you because you was a little late replying to their text.

They’re your real friends right there. They’ve got you.

The second you have your bundle of joy..

They’ll be here again.

The flies I mean.. sniffing for more shit.

They’ll make out they cannot physically wait to meet your baby.

You want my honest advice?

Don’t even introduce them! They’re not worthy of having such pleasure of meeting your precious little child.

As harsh as it may sound, they’ll get bored. They’ll stop visiting, they’ll stop messaging to ask how you are and they’ll stop contact all together.

To be truthful, yes it is upsetting to watch. Your “best friend” not giving a flying fu*# about you and this precious bundle of yours but trust me when I say you’ll realise that none of it matters.

Your main focus now is the beautiful little baby that’s filled your heart with an overload of pure love and happiness. These are things you’ll remember for the rest of your life, she wasn’t there for you when you needed her the most, she turned her back on you. You’ll never forget that.

Do you know what the funny thing about all this is?

When the shoes on the other foot and that “friend” is in need of a chat, a bit of reassurance or even just a quick coffee, she’s gonna expect you to be there.

Now I’m not a bitchy bitch in the slightest but girl, play that cunt face flat nosed twat at her own game.

(I was supposed to watch my swearing I know, I just couldn’t help myself)

Now what..?

Keep seeing those fab friends of yours. It may not be as often as you both like because you’ll be super busy doing mumsy things like cleaning sick from your shoulder and shit from the bath tiles but they’ll understand.

You’ve by now probably noticed that motherhood is not for the faint hearted, it’s an emotional rollercoaster, it’s quite often lonely, it’s much much more than you ever imagined.

Even a quick 5 minute catch up with your friends will bring you back to life, it’ll make you feel like you’re an actual human rather than just a milk machine and arse wiper.

oh and don’t forget.. you’ve just given birth to the best friend you could ever dream of! You don’t need much more than that.

Lots of love

Joanne X


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