This birth story has been requested SO many times so I’m just gonna crack straight on. I will warn you though it’s not gonna be all rainbows and butterflies, I’m gonna tell you EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DETAIL .Get yourselves comfortable, get yourselves a cuppa and get yourselves prepared. Here goes.


29th May 2016-

MY DUE DATE! Now, with Rio being my first baby an everything I ALWAYS thought that I’d end up going alllll the way to 42 weeks and end up having to be induced (my biggest fear). I don’t have the foggiest why. I think maybe it was because I had zero signs of him coming all.

If I was to be completely and utterly honest, I was far from nervous about the whole labour rigmarole. I mean, obviously it’s cos I’m hard as fuck I had absolutely no idea what was about to happen, I had no idea about the sheer roar pain I was about to encounter. Totally oblivious.

I was definitely ready for this to happen. My tiny frame was carrying around an extra 2 chuffing stone, (felt like the equivalent to 6 double decker busses) I had severe back pain, I couldn’t sleep at night and If anything I just PISSING WANTED TO GO INTO LABOUR!!!

Due date night- 10:30pm

I knew it. I just knew it. Today wasn’t going to be the day so I just gave up, I made me and Jordan a cup of tea and took my sad ass off to bed. Hmmpff.

Family Guy!! That’s what we had on the Tv. I can remember it all clear as day, Jordan was laid on his phone beside me playing a stupid stupid stupid city building game. (Did I mention it was stupid?) and I was laid on my side slowly nodding off.

So, I was very nearlyyy asleep and I felt it. I don’t know what “it” was. I wouldn’t describe it as a pain but more like a warning. I opened my eyes wider than ever and just stared around the room in silence. I didn’t mention anything to Jordan,  I just waited. Feeling calm on the outside but inside my head I was going blooming mad.

“What the fuck was that?!”

“Will it happen again?”

“Ok I’m actually shitting myself abit now”

BOOOMF IT HAPPENED AGAIN! (“Boomf” probably the least dramatic word in the world) and again and again. Each time a little stronger.

I knew this was it, I turned around excitedly told Jordan and then went downstairs to get my mum.


Im getting little goosebumps in my bum cheeks just thinking about it, I’ll never ever forget that nervous pain I felt.

Now I had to time these “contractions” it was weird even saying that because I still couldn’t believe that I WAS IN ACTUAL LABOUR, or was I?! Id never done this before so how would I know if this was the real deal? I was so anxious waiting for the next one to come, it was around 7 minutes in between each one.

30th May 2016 – 12:10am

Ok now it was bloody intense. This was the real deal. I managed to crawl around and dig out my maternity notes, my mum rang the maternity ward for me (little gem she is).

After the phone call..

I was assured that I wasn’t actually in labour and advised to just take some paracetamol and have a “relax in the bath.”

“HAVE A FUCKING RELAX IN THE BATH?!?!” I didn’t say that of course because I’m totally not that sorta person but how could I “relax” when I felt like my insides were about to fall outta my arse?

Ok, fair enough they know what they’re doing. I took their advice and jumped in the bath.


“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! to say im not in labour this pain int half horrendous!”

*I WAS in labour*

What now? Well there wasn’t really much I could do at this point other than curl up into a tiny ball on my bed and cry.

I cried EVERY time I got a contraction, I was already exhausted. My initial thought was “I’m not gonna able to get through this” but let’s be real, What woman doesn’t think that at least once during their labour? If you’re sat their saying “nah not me” you’re a fat ass load liar.

Tut, predictive text!


Right this was ridiculous. It was the 3rd time I’d rang the maternity ward and after assuring them AGAIN that I was in labour they finally agreed to check me! Thank fu#*!

I can remember going through more contractions in the car on the way to the hospital.

It was the worst. I couldn’t lay down and curl up like I did at home, that was the only way I knew how to deal with them.


I had no tears left. Each time a contraction came I just closed my eyes and stopped breathing. Yes you read that right and are probably thinking “you crazy bitch ” but I’m totally cool with that.

I stopped breathing.

The professionals will ALWAYS advise you to breathe right through it but to be frank, you’re gonna do whatever the hell is most comfortable for you.

I made no noise. I just closed my eyes and held my breath.


I was laid on the hospital bed feeling incredibly nervous. The nurse there was a fairly young pretty little thing but her personality made her ugly as hell.

She walked over to the bed looked up and down me and said…

“pftt, you’re definitely not in labour cos you’d be making much more noise than that”

I’ve never wanted to high 5 someone in the face so much in all of my life however, I was too busy concentrating on not breathing of course.


I was finally examined!

I was 2cms dialated!

Hmm to be honest, I didn’t know weather to be happy because it made the nurse look like a complete cock end or sad because I was experiencing what was a very slow and agonising labour.

So of course I was sent home and told to have yet another bath. Great stuff!

30th May 2016- 2pm

Are you kidding me?! The night before I was crying in pain and now nothing?

I couldn’t believe this was happening. How long would this go on for? I must’ve been at least 4 cm by now and the whole thing was just going incredible slow.

In fact slow wasn’t even the word!

I was only having 1 contraction per hour. I needed it all to be over.

I’m ever so grateful for my family though! Throughout it all from start to finish, I couldn’t have got though any of it without them. With my crankiness and short temper they all deserve a medal!


Snail pace. STILL!!!

Me and Jordan decided to take a stroll to the nearest shop. I was in labour and I was heading off on a 15 minute walk!! (well it ended up being a 45 minute one) I was willing to do anything to make things go a little quicker than it was!

Stopping beside the road, bedding over and holding my breath perhaps wasn’t very nice for passes by to see but it couldn’t be helped.



This was it. I needed to go to the hospital and I needed to go now! I tried everything in my power to keep quiet throughout the whole thing but now.. well now I felt like screaming mi tits off.

I couldn’t even wait around for the hospital to say it was ok for me to come in. THIS BABY IS COMING AND HE’S COMING NOW!


When we finally arrived at the hospital after what seemed like a 22hr car ride I was placed in a ward on a chair (the most uncomfortable pissing chair you could imagine) it was one of those plastic ones you’d more than likely see in a primary school. Ridiculous!

The ward was filled with calm women, women who were just here for check ups etc. To be perfectly honestly with you I KNEW the reason I didn’t get seen to straight away. It was because I wasn’t screaming out in pain!

I didn’t want to terrify the women in the ward because they had all of this to come but was it really worth it if it meant me sat here uncomfortable and suffering?

I stuck it out anyway.


The longest half an hour of my life!!!!

There I was. Still sat in that old shitty chair with my head in my hands in the most unimaginable pain. Then guess what happened?!

A woman came bursting into the ward SCREAMING (when I say screaming I mean like full on bursting your ear drums screaming) in pain. Oh the doctors found her a bed straight away no messing about and examined her there and then ! Turns out she was 4cm. I understand that the woman wasinIt’s amazing what making a bit of noise can do.


I was in a bed!! Finally!!

I was still on a ward surrounded by a bunch of happy, relaxed women talking about last nights corrie and what they had for lunch.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP” I wanted to shout it. I really wanted to shout it.

My mum and Jordan were sat beside me, bless em! I don’t think they even dared to breath.

The nurse kept wandering in and out of the curtains surrounding my bed and EVERY SINGLE TIME without a doubt I told her I needed pain relief! It seriously seemed to just go in one ear and out of the other!

I completely understood that they were busy and everything but surely there’s more that can be done when a baby’s head is about to fall out of your foof!


Finally!!! The nurse came back and examined me. Not gonna lie have someone fiddle around like is that is so odd and uncomfortable but I didn’t give a shit! I was in too much pain to care. If anything, I was relieved!


I’ve never seen so much panic on someone’s face in my life. She rushed me off to the labour ward quicker than I rush for the kettle first thing on a morning.


I was now laid in the room where I would have my baby. The feeling was surreal. I was in the most unimaginable pain yet all I could think about was how lucky I was to be having this experience. Knowing that I’d be meeting my little boy in a few hours was the most magical feeling ever.

The 9 months of growing a human inside by body was about to come to an end.

I had doctors surrounding me. 1 putting a cannula in my hand. 1 jabbing me in my right thigh with pethidine (“pain relief”) and 1 reassuring me that everything was going to absolutely fine!

I entered panic mode.

31st May 2016- 2am

Yep I’m here. Still in labour. Still in that same agonising pain.

I can remember feeling like my body was shutting down. I didn’t have the energy. I had about 1 hour of sleep in 2 days!

The lack of sleep and pethidine had me thinking that Jordan was taking a bath whilst at the loo at one point. That’s not a joke.

Unfortunately, my waters still hadn’t broke which meant that the docs had to step in. They had to use what I can only describe as a gigantic sewing needle with a fish hook on the end to break them for me!





I could feel my body literally taking over! I was being forced to push, craziness. I had no control.

I can remember the gas and air making me thirsty as hell so my darling mum was forcefully chucking water down my neck after every contraction. I couldn’t thank her enough for that!

I began to push.


Ok so you know how I said I was quiet throughout the whole process?

Yeah well now I was making some sort of noise. I wouldn’t say I was shouting or screaming just more like a loud grunt.

What was this?!

My vaj-j-j was burning!!! Was someone holding a Bunsen burner down there or what? jheeeez.

Witnessing my mum and Jordan’s reaction when they could see Rio’s little head was something I’ll always remember!

I even got to feel his head before he came out! That feeling of warmth on my fingertips from my very own baby and his soft head of hair was indescribable.


After the biggest push (vains popping out of my head, shit flying across the room, the whole works) and grabbing my poor mother around the neck so hard I think she nearly passed out, our baby was born!!!

We did it! He was actually here!

I looked down at Rio and the burst of love I instantly felt was out of this world.

That was our son. It all felt like a bizarre dream.

That was our baby boy. Our tiny 6lb 14oz baby boy. I looked up at Jordan to see him crying with happiness. The amount of love and joy that filled the room instantly was simply magical.

Rio didn’t cry, he didn’t make a noise. Sucking his thumb he just snuggled in between me and his daddy. This was our little family.

The last few days had been absolute hell but I’d do it all again 10 times over for my little guy, I wanted to give him the world.

..the pain wasn’t over for me though*rolls eyes* I had 2nd degree tears inside and out.

After pushing again to get that alien out (the afterbirth) The nurse attempted to stitch me up there and then but there was too much damage. I was taken down to theatre (yes I had to leave my baby already!)

The room was filled with young men (trainee’s) I wish I could apologise to them for having to look at my battered front bum because that probably scarred them for life.

72868 needles in my back later and after very nearly passing out I was all done. Finally.


I was back with my Rio! We had to stay in hospital for a couple of days due to the amount of blood loss but I didn’t care. I had my family, I had my baby and we all had health.

31st May 2016, the day when 2 became 3

…and so our adventure begins.

I’m a complete emotional wreck after writing that *wipes tears* My not so little baby Rio turns 2 next month and it’s too much for my heart to handle. I gave birth to my best friend and for that I couldn’t ever be more grateful!

Lots of love,

Joanne X

How was your labour experience? Leave me a comment it’d be lovely to hear your stories!



  1. April 11, 2018 / 10:37 am

    Lovely post. I too was also very quiet but I knew I was in labour! They had put me in a room with women for check ups too, chatting about the weather and Christmas shopping, after insisting that someone examined me I was 10cms dilated! They too broke my waters (my back waters had gone the day before in Sainsbury’s!) ! I then pushed for 4 hours without pain relief…..(they kept waving a A4 laminated hand out on pain relief at me but I was too exausted to look.) Eventually I was rushed to theatre, had every pain relief under the sun and a forceps delivery and a side order of a blood transfusion for me! How the hell do we do it?! Your little man is gorgeous x

    • wingingmamahood
      April 11, 2018 / 1:42 pm

      “A side order of a blood transfusion” I love it. I honestly don’t have the foggiest I really don’t, they’re totally worth it though! Thankyou sugar X

  2. Stevie
    April 12, 2018 / 9:55 pm

    Loved this story and reading your experience. Humour on a birth story with a happy ending! I would describe labour as a ‘traumatising hell’ yet ultimately we go through it and get the most beautiful gift at the end & feel blessed, whilst stitched & burning and thinking i am NEVER doing that again. Xx

    • wingingmamahood
      April 13, 2018 / 10:57 am

      Haha I couldn’t agree more! Thankyou so much X

  3. April 13, 2018 / 10:50 am

    This has cracked me up but at the same time made me feel everything you must’ve felt. I too had a shitty labour, followed by an emergency c-section. So it’s interesting to hear everyone else’s experiences. Some have great ones, some have ones like us. Xxxx

    • wingingmamahood
      April 13, 2018 / 10:58 am

      It’s crazy how every single labour experience is unique in one way or another! Thankyou for commenting babe Xxx

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