They lay there with no care in the world, they’ve no jobs to do except eat sleep and fart oh and they demand 100% of your attention. No I’m not talking about your other half but I suppose if the shoe fits..
It’s quite possible that your “me time” barely even exists nowadays so when it does happen you feel like every inch of your soul is about to be cleansed.
Did I mention that your “me time” isn’t actually”me” time and it’s more like “me time whilst the baby is in their bouncer giving you the daggers time?”
So you’ll JUST get into doing something slightly beneficial to yourself such as eating a HOT meal or straightening your tangled as shit never seen a brush hair when your baby has a thought..
“You wanna tell me why you’re tryna do something for YOU? Nah nah nah stick this in your pipe and smoke it”
*Does the loudest, bubbliest, stinkiest boff you can imagine*
You’ll be able to tell just by the sound of the ripple that there’s a huge yellow puddle of chicken korma in that nappy of theirs and of course they’ve shit the bouncer too.
Stop what you’re doing. Let your tea go cold. Shove your hair back up into that manky mum bun. You’ve got a mighty mess to clean up.
You’ve been waiting for that new TV show to start for months and finally it’s on!!
You’ve already made yourself a little plan in your pea head because you know that your sweet little angel face child is ALWAYS asleep for the night at or before 9pm.
Initially then, we’ll have a quick blitz of the kitchen, grab a cuppa some snacks and get comfy on the sofa with roughly about 13.6 minutes to spare.
*Intro to new TV series begins*
Baby- “anddddd what the fucks that I hear? Is it that new show mum and dad have been banging on about by any chance? Not on my watch u losers, time to cause havoc”
You’ll then spend the next 56 minutes rocking, loving and singing twinkle twinkle little fucking star to your precious little bundle.
Those itsy bitsy cutie pie hands and fingers of theirs are bloody beautiful aren’t they?
So chuffing delicate and soft but dont ever forget that saying “looks can be deceiving” because my god it’s so god damn true.
They’ll be giving you the sweetest most loving hug in the world when all of a sudden they remember that they’re actually teething like fu*k and get crazy mad. Before you know it they’re gauging your eyeballs out with their razor blade finger nails and yanking on those tiny hairs behind your ears, yanno the ones that hurt like a bitch? The ones that make you wanna shout every swear word at the top of your voice?
Count to 3 (counting to 10 is just painfully too long) carefully untangle the baby’s “itsy bitsy cutie pie hands” from your now non existent tiny hairs without screaming, shouting or putting the baby in the dustbin.
All babies are vicious little psychopaths and I don’t think there’s any parent out there brave enough to say otherwise.
They ALWAYS throw up at the most inconvenient time. Always.
They’re SO much brighter than we imagine, I believe that within every little milk guzzling shit exploding monster is a little maniac planning their next evil mission. For example..
You’ll just be about to leave the house and lock the door when ..
*baby violently throws up 678 galleons of thick white puke all the way down both your back and front somehow* resulting in a whole outfit change for both you and the baby and having to apologise to your family members for being roughly around 3 and a half hours late.
One day we’ll miss everything that we currently hate or find annoying about parenthood and for that reason I’m gonna remain completely oblivious to anything my child does in an attempt to piss me off.
Despite the endless amount of love we have for them it is ok to admit that sometimes they are just a fat pain in the chuffing arse right?
Lots of love,