Everrryyy new parent gets a visit from Brenda at some point. She’ll bomb through the door, snatch and
snuggle smother the baby in that rank overpowering stench she calls perfume and she’ll get right on your tits from the very second she struts in. You’ll begin to feel a tiny bit sorry for her when BOOOOOOM, she’ll overload you with a ton of personal questions and start demanding tea and buscuits. Don’t be Brenda. Nobody likes Brenda.
Here are six things you should NEVER say to a new mum
1) ‘God..you look tired’
Well no shit Sherlock. I’m sure you wouldn’t look too Kim K if you had a poo exploding screaming human demanding milk from your tities every hour of the night, but then again, you probably would just because its you. *Eye rolls* I mean, how are you even supposed to respond to that? ‘umm thankyou! Come closer so I can stab you in the eye with my bullet nips’
2) ‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’
How did I not think of that? So I guess the pots & pans will clean themselves, the laundry will wash itself, I’ll miraculously deep clean my hair shave my pits and the never ending visitors advising me to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ will see to themselves? Great Idea!
3) ‘He cries a lot dosn’t he?
Not usually Brenda no. I dunno, maybe he’d just prefer to snuggle his mum rather than choking on the manky aroma of Oder le’ shitfuckingperfume. Carry on insinuating I’m doing a lousy job and I’ll accidentally squirt my colostrum in your tea.
4) ‘Wait until they’re crawling, walking and talking.. you’ll know about it then’
Gosh, let the blooming baby adjust to coming outta my vagina first, Its been 3.6 minutes! Imagine the scenes if I said ‘Wait until you’re in that care home Brenda, you’ll know about it then’
5) ‘You need to leave the baby to cry.. you’re being too soft’
I don’t give a shit. I’ll snuggle my baby, sing my lungs out, let my tea go cold, my knickers go crusty and drop ANYTHING to prevent them from crying. We don’t live in the 1920’s you chuffing fossil.
6) ‘My baby slept through at 2 weeks’
Yes and pigs can fly.
Basically it’s as simple as it sounds, if you wanna maintain your friendship with the new mum then pop round with support, coffee (gallons of it) , chocolate cake, tissues, lots of jokes and maybe even some frozen peas to place beside her lady garden, she’ll be grateful I promise.
Lots of love,