Ok, I’ll just pop it straight out there and state that this is not an easy thing for me to do AT ALL but I feel like I kind of I owe it to you all… my anxiety battle.
It frustrates me how certain individuals will always slate the whole social media and the community that follows blah de blah. I do agree in certain circumstances don’t get me wrong, however other than a few narky comments I’ve had here and there I can honestly say that I’ve never felt so supported by a bunch of strangers in my life.
Mums, young women, fellow bloggers all take time out of their day to message me asking if I’m alright, asking how the boys have been, picking me up on my naff days and overall just brightening up my day by using a few simple yet kind as hell words. I have SO many online friends and its only a matter of time before we all meet up with our babies and drink coffee and talk about Love Island and giggle so much we snort like pigs and forget about everything I’m about to talk about… just for a little while anyway.
Where it all began..
I’ll be honest.. I never really understood ‘Anxiety’ or the complete hold it could have over people. Like really, If you said the word ‘Anxiety’ to me three years ago I would’ve imagined an individual with a very small circle of friends who’d be afraid to speak to somebody unfamiliar. How wrong was I?
There are SO many different types of the disorder and I’ve come to realise that weather you have 2 or 200 friends around you .. none of that matters for the reason that at the end of the night we’re all still alone in the pitch black with nothing else but our thoughts.
I haven’t always suffered with the disorder. I’d say it all began when my eldest son Rio was roughly around 3 weeks old, out of nowhere there it was. It wasn’t an overnight thing. I didn’t wake up one morning and suddenly have Anxiety.. it happened gradually. So gradually in fact that it took nearly a whole 2 years for me to convince myself that this is what was happening.
Easy wouldn’t be the word I’d choose to describe the strength of it but bearable.
Now that I have two children I feel like the whole thing has rocketed so suddenly.. the worst its EVER been by far. I think I just kinda presumed that it’d clear off by itself if I tried hard enough to blow it to the back of my head.
Someone tell me how its possible to put horrid thoughts to the rear without thinking thinking and thinking about them first.
I’ts just one never ending viscous circle.
What goes on..
I never thought I’d ever be able to blurt out even a fraction of some of the thoughts that run around in my head on a daily basis..maybe writing them on here may take the strain off a tad. I often have to reassure myself that I’m not crazy, I’m not alone and almost 18% of the nations population suffer from the same problem.
So..with my type (GAD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder) I experience the following..
(WARNING- I have written this post with all intentions that I’m gonna be as open and honest as I possibly can.. If you’re one for getting upset easily then maybe now is the time you stop reading)
Not being able to switch off at bed time due to worry.. did the kids have enough to eat today? did they drink enough water? What if the blanket is too close to his nose?..I better go check. Did I lock the door and shut the windows? What if somebody gets in? What would I do? Would I run into Rio’s room with Junior and barricade the door behind us? What if when I check on him he’s not breathing? What if his lips have turned blue and he’s cold..*I’ll begin to cry* Have I told my mum I love her today? what if she dies in her sleep? I’ll never have that chance again..I must text her. What if he falls out of love with me one day? How would I cope? What if I get diagnosed with a serious medical condition? What if I had to leave this world and leave the boys motherless? Would another woman take my place? Would they have another woman to look up to and call Mummy? What if when we’re walking down the street a car swerves onto the footpath and knocks us all down? What if someone is having a terrible day and decides to slam on whilst were doing 70 down the motorway? What if I’ve really upset someone today without realising? What if..What if..What if…
All of this will probably explain the reason why the boys HAVE NEVER had a sleep over at a family members house without me being there too, It’ll explain why I’m on edge 99.9% of the time, It’ll explain why I’ll only ever leave the boys with their Daddy, Nanna or Granny If I need an hour to myself and It’ll explain why the hell I’ve never spoken out about it before. Those are some pretty disturbing thoughts right?
The whole Doctors rigmarole
So.. It came to the point where the whole overthinking thing didn’t ease up AT ALL in fact it escalated so much to the point where I began loosing sleep. You know you’re in trouble when you take yourself up to bed at 8am because you’re nodding off yet don’t actually drop off until 4am.. the kids will be waking up in 2 hours.
I needed help/ reassurance.. something!
As anyone that follows me on Instagram (@wingingmamahood) knows.. I booked myself an appointment at the doctors and I was actually going to reach out. It took a lot of guts for me to do that! I had one of those ‘Just do it..quick!’ moments before ringing them up.. I specifically asked to see a doctor and despite the woman behind the desk being new, the hardest part was done.
I was SO nervous that whole morning. So nervous in fact I actually thought I was going to be sick at one point.
The ‘doctor’ shouted me in…
Before I even had the chance to walk down the corridor she sneeringly said ‘You’re not coming in with BOTH pushchairs, there isn’t enough room’ aright mate I’ll just leave one of my babies here in the waiting room that’s absolutely fine no bother at all. So Rio came out of the pushchair and honestly when we reached her room I could’ve easily fitted another 6 pushchairs in there and still have room to swing them around no word of a lie, she was clearly just being awkward about the whole thing.
With that being said I didn’t even feel like talking to her anymore. I had to think to myself ‘Well I’m here now.. do it for the boys’. I started talking..
I didn’t even get to finish my first sentence before she said.. ‘Yeah I know what you’re about to say but there’s nothing I can do.. I’m not a doctor.. you’ll need to ring up and make another appointment’
Wow. If I didn’t feel like shit before I certainly do now.
This was a mistake on the receptionists behalf and I didn’t even get so much as an apology. I didn’t get the chance to finish a single sentence, I didn’t get given any numbers, websites for help or any advice, I didn’t even get the chance to have a chat.
No way after all of that worry, sickness and built up courage would I have the balls to do it all again. I felt beyond proud of myself for finally taking that humongous step and I walked out feeling like someone had just shit on my heart.
They’re lucky in a sense that my anxiety is just anxiety and nothing more serious because I took the step. I was reaching out. I was asking for help from a medical proffesional…I was just shoved off.
This shouldn’t have happened. Luckily I had my mum to walk out with, she managed to cheer me up eventually but I dread to think what would’ve happened if It was somebody else with a much more serious illness. What harm would it have done to just listen? to give out a few kind words. I was disgusted and now I’m left feeling like I never wanna speak out again.
My alternative.. you
Despite that I do believe that in a month or so I’ll be able to find the strength deep within me to make another appointment. If not for me..for the boys. There’s nothing I’d love more than to let them have sleepovers or go away for the day without me but for the minute that all seems pretty impossible, I’d make myself ill. My babies need to be with me.
I didn’t think I’d ever be able to write any of this down and I’m gonna be a nervous wreck when it comes to hitting that bright blue publish button. What am I so afraid of? am I scared that people will judge me or laugh? Am I worried that people STILL won’t understand? YES YES AND YES.
Thinking about it.. I feel as though I’ve had a massive weight lifted from my chest now I’ve written this. I actually feel relieved.. like I can breath. It feels bloody fabulous. I’m not gonna natter on for much longer because I’m gonna make the most of it and attempt to get some sleep whilst my brain feels so refreshed.
Please, if there is ANYONE in my situation please get in touch! Whether it be Instagram/twitter or E-mail I will ALWAYS find the time to have a chat with you. It’s not always as easy as people think to deal with anxiety. Most folk don’t and never will be able to grasp the fact that anxiety is not something that can be just switched off.
Thank you for reading, Thank you for supporting and Thank you for being you
Lots of love,